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Quest Journals

“You want to know my secret?  Let it go.  I know it sounds corny but I’m serious.  Just let it all go.”

That was the true beginning of my transformation, although I didn’t realize that till much later.  I had been feeling deprived of people and of contact.  I felt isolated and I felt like the people I wanted to see didn’t have enough time to see me.  Not to mention that I was also feeling stressed out about my classes.  I had realized that I didn’t know how to make friends.  I was crying and my friend was talking to me.  Somewhere in the process he said this.  While I was preoccupied with my inner thought process at the time, it stuck with me.  I had always had difficulty with the concept of detachment, but something about the way he was talking about it didn’t feel quite so negative.  Somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I was beginning to understand that there was something I was ready to learn.

I can’t let fear make my decisions for me.  I can take it into consideration, but in the end, there are things more important than fear.

Fast forward two or three months, I was finally HOME again.  For the first time in nine years I was living at the Abode.  Instead of living there as a child, I was there as a blooming adult doing the spiritual work study/Khidmat program.  When I first got there, there was one other person doing the program with me.  I had met him at least once before in passing and even then, I saw a spark of that something I was ready to learn.  And boy was I hungry to follow that spark!  Two weeks into my time there, we were together and there was something I was afraid to express to him, but somehow knew I needed to.  It took some mind wrangling but finally I came to realize two things. One was that I couldn’t let the fear rule me.  The second was that in not saying, asking, or doing something out of fear, not only was it a disservice to myself, but a disservice to the other person because it removes a choice from their life.  When you don’t ask for something out of fear of rejection, you force the rejection.  I finally expressed what I needed to express and it was the first big breakthrough of my summer or transformation.  I was so liberated by the freedom found in the bravery of fearless self expression.  And I hadn’t even gotten beneath the surface yet.

That night started what essentially became a two month long retreat process.  A time of deep healing, heart break and transformation.  This beautiful, amazing man in whom I found the spark of transformation, helped me and guided me through it all bit by bit.  Here are some of the things I learned from him:

  1. Try to listen more than you speak.  In silence we are more receptive to what is around us.  We can only help others when we are present to hear them.  In listening, we can truly injoy the world around us.

  2. You can’t change or fix seven billion people, it’s too much.  But you can change one person, yourself and the ripples will roll out.  People aren’t always receptive to the help you try to give them.  But if you work to improve yourself and be your highest self, people will see that and be attracted.  The best way to spread love and positive change, is to be it and shine your own light as brightly as possible.

  3. Look at every person as a God or Goddess.  How would you treat or speak to God?  It is not a question of being human or divine.  Humanity is divine.  When we can see the divine in the people around us, it helps us to see our own and let it shine.

  4. If you squeeze an orange, you will always get orange juice.  You will never get apple juice.  We have a tendency to want to go to what’s familiar when we get uncomfortable.  But sometimes we have to remember that what is familiar is also what wasn’t working.  And if something doesn’t work, it’s not going to start working just because we keep trying.

  5. Give love to be love. Give serenity to be serenity. Sometimes the best way to embody something is to give it. Give love to be love, give healing to be healing, give serenity to be serenity.

  6. Give people their choices back and truly respect them.  It is not enough to have an intention of respect and then be upset when someone doesn’t make the choice you wanted them to make.  Even when you don’t express it outwardly, it is still evidence of a lack of true respect.  Embrace the endless possibilities.  You can hope for an outcome, but never chase it.

  7. Everything fluctuates. Change is the only constant.  Therefore it is only natural that we are not meant to constantly feel blissfully ecstatic.  If we remember that everything fluctuates, we can remind ourselves that this too shall pass.

These are only some of the things I learned over the summer.  I also learned that I love myself by loving others.  I feel my own love when I love someone else really strongly.  It is reflected back infinitely.  I don’t need, or even really want, a relationship anymore.  Because I am so much more fulfilled by being able/allowed to love someone, or multiple people, with my entire being.  While knowing that another person loves me helps, that’s not actually what feels so wonderful.  The most wonderful feeling I can think of is the sensation of my heart welling with unconditional, unrestricted, unlabeled, unending love for someone.  Because I feel my love when I give it to someone else.  And the best part is that when I am free to love as strongly as I do, to the full capacity of my being, I can form deep love connections with many people.  I have no interest in sex or romance anymore because they only restrict me from loving as completely as I have the capacity to.  Why would I want a relationship when I can have endless transcendent love affairs with anyone and everyone?

I just turned twenty two three days ago.  These are the things I have learned in the past year.  I am not the same person I was even four months ago.  I am still an introvert.  I am still quiet.  But I am now unapologetic about the fact that I am a lover.  If I love you, I love you.  It doesn’t matter if you love me.  It doesn’t matter if you are halfway across the country or I haven’t seen you in several years.  It doesn’t matter if we only see each other for minutes at a time because you’re busy.  It doesn’t matter if you’re young or old, male or female or anything in between.  Because love is love is love… I am a lover and if I love you… Deal with it.

I still have fear and patterns to break through, but it doesn’t need to happen overnight.  I have experienced the liberation of fearless self expression.  There is no going back from that.  I have found my wings and realized that love is what brings them out.  Because love is my heart-song and my wings are the outward expression of my heart.

As I begin my second year of college and my twenty third year of life, I reflect over the past year.  But now it is time to look to the future.  I am going to keep growing, keep learning, and keep loving.  And I am charging towards the future that I see in my visions that becomes more and more specific and real as time goes on.

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About Quest Journals

Quest Journals are an opportunity for Shifters to share and document their own unfolding spiritual journey as part of the collective shift in consciousness. Personal introspections, visions and intentions, local Shiftivism adventures, community updates, dream journals, personal creations, art, poetry, music, videos, and more. This is a space for us to practice gonzo journalism and creating conscious media.

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