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So here’s the deal folks, some of my earliest positive memories are hanging out in the in between with children spirits. My earliest recollection of sharing space and time with these beings started around age seven or eight. Around 24 I started to truly name and understand these folks when my therapist said “You do realize you have an orphanage of children around you all the time right?”. I did know this but I couldn’t comprehend the depth and breadth of that reality until someone else recognized and spoke about it. All throughout my young adult life I had night time dreams where I was working at large expansive group homes for children stuck in “the system”, suffering loss, or orphaned/homeless. I have made efforts to work at residential facilities for youth as a response to what I thought these dreams might be telling me. I’ve never been successful in acquiring a job at such a location even though I have ARDENTLY made efforts.There is a reason for this and it became clear to me this morning as I wrote about my previous night's dreams.
I have been having this recurring dream theme for some weeks now where the ministers from the Buddhist sangha that I had been sitting with, for about a year over the recent past, have been present and controlling my circumstances. They always seem to pop up and try to provide some sort of support, transportation, beauty tips, a foot massage, but I always feel mildly trapped when I’m in this dream. I feel like an orphan, like I am under their wing unwillingly and although they present themselves as helpful and supportive I know there is an underlying air of control and manipulation.
So a little bit of backstory for you. I was raised by my biological parents in a domestically violent and abusive home where I was the youngest and the only girl. I wasn’t raised religiously and I found what society calls home for the first time at 23 when I set foot at the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health. Bapuji or Swaim Kripalu is the first human I could actually call father and feel good about it. When my shit hit the fan at age 26 I ran to a mountaintop healing facility that I truly believe was divinely guided by the hand of the Christian God. I’m not, and never have been, a practicing Christian but I know that the power greater than myself that I was turning my will and life over to there had a name and it was Christ. Following this experience I stepped onto the Buddhist path and a year later when I wasn’t able to hold my ground and provide my own home I sought safety inside the walls of Pine Mountain Buddhist temple. The ministers became the family I needed. Up until this past year I have always let the Gods of formal religions and their people provide for me that which I could not provide for myself. This past year however when I put my life in the hands of the “austere” at the Buddhist community I was sitting with, I received a rude awakening, they couldn’t hold me. They didn’t understand or accept the depth of my need. I had to be the one to get my shit together and I had to seek help from folks who supported others because they supported others, not because some guru told them to.
I hadn’t really integrated this experience until I started to interpret the meaning of the dream experiences I’ve recently been having. The ministers in my recent dreams behave as if they are there to help but really they are holding me back, their desire to keep me “safe” in their structures, belief systems, and practices has got me feeling trapped and limited. I’m thinking “I want out!” every time that they are around in my dreams. I wrote in my dream journal “this awareness of this place I go where all the children are in need coupled with this consistent theme of feeling like the ministers are trying to control and rape me, it’s like they provide a false sense of love, support, safety, and home in order to do their work of preventing us from actually transcending. It’s like they don’t want us to hack the matrix. They are highly spiritual people so obviously they can commune with us in the dream state, they are worried because they haven’t been seeing me around the temple in waking and they are trying to touch base with me in the dream state and provide what they think I need.
Their perception of what I need is old paradigm shit though.It doesn't serve the crystal child that I truly am at all. The really fear my true love resonance because they fear it is the wine of delusion, they want to fool me into letting them guide me so we can all walk and talk the same and be “safely” controlled. I want them to get the fuck out of my dreams. They are holding me back whether they know it or not, whether their intentions are good or not. They are the ones who are confused and deluded at this point. Possibilities are becoming infinite in this new paradigm and structures of the past aren't helping anyone grow, they are just holding life-force captive on a plateau.”
I go on to say in my dream journal, about the children I felt I was around in my dream last night,
“I feel like I have forever been serving them in this orphanage where they have been trapped between the dimensions for the wrong reasons. I’ve provided them real unbiased love and this has kept them alive amidst their “imprisonment”. Now is the time to set them free and get them the hell out of that structure that I feel myself in when I am amidst them. They need to be integrated into our reality, they need to be spread and shared with others who can birth them. I need to get the transmission about the best way I can be of service to their crossing over, I know I’m not doing this alone.” If this isn’t an awareness about my role in the process of birthing rainbow children I don’t know what the fuck it is. I’ve just begun connecting more intentionally with some rainbow children in meditation and dream state and I’m pretty sure some have been with me since I was a child. This makes sense because in looking at it more deeply, as a crystal child I much preferred to child with other crystal children in the dimensions that felt like home to us and I started connecting with my rainbow children there as soon as possible since higher vibrational beings are capable of such communications. I’m starting to be able to use the label of crystal child for myself in that it helps me to recognize that I’ve already been slightly more integrated into the human experience because I’m in one of these bodies. The label of rainbow children helps me to understand these children I've known forever who have yet to fully cross over. I’m not sure I advocate for it as I know the difficulty of the thing, but I know it’s for the greater good of planet earth and the entire galactic system. We really have a mission, which we are innately a part of, I realized more clearly the day following my dream journaling, I go into that farther down the page.
The same day I wrote this about 7 hours later one of the ministers from the Buddhist sangha I stopped sitting with about three weeks ago emailed me in waking and asked me how my 2017 was going. He told me a new minister wants to do one on one mind training and journal writing sessions with folks, as his English is not good he will not offer this in groups. The emailing minister told me that this type of work is “especially appealing to young woman.” Now mind you there is a language barrier with these people but that choice of diction is weird and creepy and has no good explanation. This minister has often reached out to me in the past to check in when I haven’t been for many weeks but I was still pretty amazed by the fact that he messaged me the same day I wrote in my journal “I want them the fuck out of my dreams”. I respectfully told him my spiritual path has taken me in a different direction, that I am not interested in the mind training, and that they will not be seeing me on Sundays. The following day I also proceeded to unfriend all of the ministers on Facebook. It seems harsh but I know deeply that I need to honor what I am feeling in these dream states, they are giving me information on what I need to do in waking. This is not the first time I have felt this way.
Also the day after the email, I spent some time communing with a plant while sitting in the bath and I started to get very clear information about how everything in the cosmic web is happening according to plan, all the uncomfy things and all the satisfactory things. I was informed that I need “do” nothing because everything I put so much effort into willing is already flowing according to natural osmosis and progression. I put my ear in the water and I listened and realized that the sound that I always thought was something to do with the water leaving the tub was actually just the language of the water. It sounded a lot like Starseed’s tunes. The water was talking just as the music is a way to capture what is spoken on vibrational levels most of us as humans are only beginning to work with. I remembered that all I have to do is answer the call when it comes through and everything will flow from there.
Years ago there was this green rotary phone in a dream of mine. It was inside this cabinlike fort that my cousin lived in, she’s always a representation of feminine psyche in my dreams, it was ringing and ringing and I couldn’t answer it because I was outside the fort and it was like a maze to get in. I couldn’t figure out the entry way. Years later I slipped through some weird sorta portal during dream time that brought me back to that phone, I answered it and I don’t remember anything being “said” but I know it’s always ringing and looking for me or anyone to pick up. Maybe you have a call you need to place or pickup, if so please do so because in doing so you are allowing me to do the same.
*The image in this quest journal is by artist Brian Fround she is known as The Maiden and she can be found in The Fairies Oracle deck*