This one may be a little scary but remember she gives us what we need, not necessarily what we want. I definitely needed this to get over my fear. Like a parent opening the closet to show their child that there is nothing to fear in the dark closet.
I have been taking her medicine every month since. It is a calling and I have definitely been called. This was close to a year ago. I stopped counting after 10 ceremonies. It is now a very important part of my life and spiritual journey. I will be slowly posting more ceremonies as I feel guided to do so. Please read with an opened mind and enjoy.
Shamanic Medicine Journey #4 (Santo Daime)
This circle was a little different than the previous circle. This was a Brazilian ceremony. I was in a land far away at a place called “The Church of Santo Daime”. The sacrament they used was the same shamanic brew I’ve had before. This church invited Jesus, Mary, Joseph, Pachamama, Wakan Tanka, all our most benevolent and loving ancestors, plant spirits, animal spirits and the ascended masters to journey together with all the participants.
There was a traditionally initiated shaman and a monk serving the Daime to the participants after saying the Lord’s Prayer. They were assisted by other healers called “guardians”. There were about 60 participants.
As I drank the Daime, It tasted just as disgusting as the previous brew but exactly the same. I felt like vomiting right away but I knew I needed to let it settle so I willed it in. After everyone was served, we all sat down and shared our intention for the ceremony. When it was my turn to share, I said that I would like to know who I really am. I was barely about to share that little because at this point I felt very nauseous.
I heard a man behind me purging and this made me feel like vomiting more. The circle had barely finished sharing every participant’s intentions when I could not hold in my vomit any longer. I grabbed a bucket and purged all that I thought I had to vomit.
I then heard the singing of what I now know as “hymnos” which are traditional songs of the Santo Daime Church. My monkey mind took over and I felt that these people were trying to hypnotize me to go back to “Christianity” (I couldn’t have been more wrong.”) I called out to my loving ancestors and helpful animal spirits for help. I called out to the Great Eagle Spirit in particular.
By this time it sounded like everyone was purging. The shaman had started to sing his icaros which sounded horrifying. He played an accordion which opened a portal filled with squares. It looked kind of like a stretched out web. I pictured in my head exorcisms happening to people all around me. With my eyes closed I saw a kaleidoscope of evil faces, like ethereal bugs with sharp teeth. I got frightened and opened my eyes.
When I opened my eyes I saw 2 “guardians” that were standing near me. It seemed like when they saw that my eyes were open, disappointment filled their faces. I felt like I was about to score a goal but I didn’t kick the ball. The guardians slowly walked away.
I wanted to keep my eyes open but I couldn’t. My eyelids felt too heavy. The moment I closed my eyes I saw that the horrifying kaleidoscope was back. I could still hear possessions happening to participants all around me. My monkey mind came back and I thought about how if I went to sleep, I would wake up thinking my family and friends were all reptiles and that this world would be worse than before. That somehow I would be tricked into harming those I loved.
I heard the shaman going around to the struggling participants with feathers. I could hear him flapping his feathers vigorously around them, clearing out the negative energy. I could hear the healers praying both in English and other languages, some not of this world. I could also hear the shaman had a bird whistle. That when he flapped the feathers to clear the negative energy, he also blew a whistle which sounded like a bird. (or so I thought). The bird had a very high pitch chirp; almost like a laser. I assumed it was a whistle that the shaman was using.
I tried to “will” the visions into beauty but no success. I opened my eyes again and I saw that the same 2 guardians were there standing over me. This time they looked even more disappointed. I felt nauseous again and I tried to vomit but nothing came out. I drank water but still nothing was being purged.
I asked for more medicine but when the guardian tried to take my bucket away to give me another dose of the sacrament, I felt the purge come back up. The guardian told me that if I still needed to purge than I needed to hold off on the second dose for now. I knelt back down over my bucket and tried to purge again but nothing would come out. I drank all my water but still could not vomit. I still felt nauseous but laid down anyway and closed my eyes.
I could hear what sounded like bones snapping from a possessed participant. I heard the main healer ask everyone who was aware to call out to their spirit guides, spirit animals and loving ancestors to be present in the circle and to assist those possessed.
I could hear much more purging going on with other participants. The horrifying kaleidoscope was still presented in front of me but at this point I felt more comfortable staring into a horrifying kaleidoscope than to get up and try vomiting nothing. As I watch the kaleidoscope I saw a demons face pop out. I woke up and asked one of the guardians to take me outside to get some air. He walked me outside and I got to bring my bucket with me.
I thought that seeing some trees and getting some fresh air would help me, like it would “ground” me somehow. I was wrong, the trees had never felt so distant before and I could not hear any birds and the air felt stagnant. The sun was very hot and dry.
Others were outside as well. There was another man there thanking his ancestors for such an amazing journey. I sat there and stared at my bucket. I don’t remember for how long I stared but I remember a woman came out and stood in front of me. She was facing the sun with her hands open at her sides. Her eyes were rolled to the back of her head and it appeared that she was receiving the sun’s energy.
I was kind of freaked out but honestly that was the least terrifying thing that I thought was going on that day. If she was possessed it was with love and not fear like the others inside. I could feel a comfort with her being there somehow.
I went back to staring at my bucket for a while when I felt a warm hand touch my back. I heard a man’s voice say “you are not alone.” I looked to see a man sitting there; he had glasses and a smile on his face. I wasn’t sure if he was real or a spirit guide. I nodded silently to him went back to my bucket.
I then heard some slamming noises going on nearby and 2 men were arguing. It sounded like they were about to fight. I looked around but saw nobody. I then heard a motorcycle go by but at the time it sounded like a demon’s growl. I saw that the man with glasses was kneeling at an altar to honor his spirit guides and ancestors. He did not seem bothered by the demonic growling I heard. I got up and went back inside.
As soon as I got inside I laid down and closed my eyes. I could still hear much purging going on but I tried to mentally shield myself from those hideous noises because they were affecting my journey. The Kaleidoscope came back and the demons face popped out but I stared at it anyway. It went back into the kaleidoscope and the kaleidoscope turned into an image of an intestine with eyeballs being squeezed of some type of green liquid.
I then felt like I was in a dungeon, that all those who were spiritually advanced enough had gone up to the higher realms and that those of us that stayed were now casted into a dungeon. I could hear all the men and women around me purging along with some horrifying sounds coming from their vocal cords. I heard one woman get up and lock herself in the bathroom. I could hear the guardians trying to force the door open to get her out. I heard the shaman chanting like he was in charge of torturing us spiritually. That we were all possessed and we now must wait our turn to have an exorcism.
Suddenly I heard a soft sounding guitar. It started out soft and gentle and it was the only thing pleasant in the dungeon I was in. I heard the guitar speed up and it somehow created a path. Like an ethereal “yellow brick road” I followed the road out of the dungeon and the road turned into a portal. I then felt the urge to vomit so I got up to purge but saw that everyone was dancing.
Here I was purging while everyone else was dancing. I was happy to finally vomit though. After I vomited I looked around and saw I was the only one still journeying. I thought to myself “where are all the others that I heard purging? Where are the ones that were possessed? I looked and saw nobody had locked themselves in the bathroom. I could hear the guitar that created the portal and it was the shaman playing while everyone was dancing. There were also drumming and clapping. I saw one man moving his body like liquid, I also so another man dancing like a monkey literally crouched down like a monkey. I saw the same woman from outside clapping and singing from across the room.
I could hear the healer calling out and encouraging us all to dance. I tried but I couldn’t stay standing for too long. Every time I tried to stand I would go back to my knees over the purge bucket vomiting. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted the medicine out. I even told the guardians that my body still needs to vomit up more medicine. That I needed to get the medicine out of my system. (I did not realize what I was saying.) I was moved to a private room where 2 healers worked with me.
I wanted to be out of my journey. I wanted to feel better so I could go home to be with my wife. I knew that if I came home any later, she would be worried. I chugged more water and vomited a little but it was still a struggle getting it out. A shaman worked with me by instructing me with breathing exercises. He then told me to keep breathing as he picked up a didgeridoo and placed it near my belly. He blew it loud and I could feel it’s vibration breaking up something inside of me. I finally purged up all the water I had drank. It seemed like a gallon of water. I was amazed to see that it was all clear, that no medicine was being purged from me.
I had the epiphany at that moment that the medicine stays in one’s body when they drink the sacrament. That what is being vomited is not the medicine but instead it is toxins and negative energies. The shamans are correct about the “purge”. I was purging water which no longer served me. I knew I needed to stop drinking because the medicine was not going to come out. I think the shaman knew this too because he told me I needed to rest and to release from my attachments.
I laid down and this time I allowed myself to go to sleep. I did think about how upset my wife would be when I didn’t come home that night but I realized that was something I would just have to accept. I had to accept that this was going to be an “overnight journey”. I had to face the fact that science has no idea what this divine plant medicine really is. The science may say that the journey lasts for 6 hours but in reality Pachamama (“Mother Earth”) decides when to end the journey. I finally accepted that in my heart and went to sleep regardless of the consequences I would face the next morning.
I slept for short while but I was awoken by the participants eating food and talking about their journeys. I felt much better so I got up and ate some food also. I felt a little nauseous but not nearly as much as before. It was more like a lingering memory of purging. I talked with some participants and hugged as many people as I could. I thanked all the guardians, healers and the shaman for helping me out and working with me personally. I especially thanked the 2 guardians that were there for me the entire journey. They were literally watching over me for hours. I am so grateful for these loving souls.
I finally did drive home and I felt fine doing so. I didn’t feel that my driving was affected as long as I stayed focused and my nausea was almost completely gone. However once I got home, my nausea kicked back in.
I arrived home an hour later than I said I would be and I expected my wife to be up waiting for me angrily but thankfully she was asleep. As I watched my wife and kids sleep for a minute I could feel my love for them expand to the point of tears of joy filling my eyes. I was so grateful for my family and I was so happy to be back with them at home.
I had a feeling, like an inner knowing that once I laid down and went to sleep that my nausea would fade. I thought about trying to vomit in the bathroom but decided to lay down instead. I wish I could say that I slept peacefully but I didn’t.
Every time I closed my eyes that horrific pattern would come back. I would open my eyes and feel nauseated again. I rolled to my side in case I vomited in my sleep then I forced my eyes shut and told myself I would not open them no matter what I see.
So I closed my eyes and stared at the horrific kaleidoscope and eventually I did go to sleep. It seems that the journey can continue when in the “dream realm”. I’m starting to think they are the same realm but that is a whole other article in itself. Unfortunately I don’t remember what happened exactly but I do remember hearing a voice saying “welcome to hell!” followed by evil laughter.
I woke up and saw that the sun was rising through my curtains. I was so thankful to be alive and to be with my family. I spent the rest of the day drinking lime water and just allowing the medicine to work through my system. I did not try to vomit no matter how nauseous I felt. I also meditated a lot. The nausea finally diminished that evening.
When I went to bed that night I had the best sleep ever. I felt my energy body radiating. It felt like I was physically in another vibration, a higher vibration and I was floating. I could feel every cell in my body vibrating very intensely but very comfortably. Like a warm massage chair on the highest setting. I also remember having a conversation with a woman in a dream but I don’t remember what was said.
The next morning I felt wonderful. I had an abundance of energy that lasted throughout the day. I went to my garden, I could see that the colors were so vibrant and the flowers were glowing. I could hear so many birds chirping. It was like I was in a rainforest. I’ve never noticed so many birds visiting my garden. The birds would approach me much closer than before, it’s like they could sense that I was on a higher vibration. One bird in particular had the exact chirping sound that I heard during my ceremony. I noticed this bird would puff out it’s chest and ward off other birds and squirrels that would try approaching the garden fence. After some research, I later found this bird to be a “red robin”.
The thought occurred to me that maybe this was the bird spirit that was with me during the ceremony. That maybe it was communicating with me by showing me that it was warding off negative energy just like it was warding off other creatures in my garden.
As the bird flew overhead I heard it’s flapping sounded exactly like the flapping I heard during the ceremony. During the ceremony I thought it was the shaman with ceremonial feathers and a bird whistle but in my garden I heard the same noises and no shaman was present at the time. I either heard a bird from outside of the building with closed doors and windows and music playing and people purging. Or I heard a spirit. Whether it was the medicine enhancing my hearing so I could hear the bird outside or the medicine allowed me to hear a bird animal spirit is unknown to me. Either way it has drawn me closer to birds. I have a whole new love and respect for such amazing beings.
I meditated a lot on the events that happened over the weekend. I thought about how can one man play a guitar, sing icaros and use a bird whistle at the same time? It occurred to me that I did not see a whistle or anybody using a whistle, I only assumed there was one because it sounded like it was in the same room. It is quite possible that although I did not see any of my spirit guides, I heard them.
I meditated more on the horrifying kaleidoscope, why was I shown that? I asked a friend who is more experienced with the medicine. Integrating my journeys with others really helps me to re-live it. To walk them through it with as much detail as I can remember really helps me to re-live the journey. I realized that the kaleidoscope was what is known as the “river of sorrow”. I was advised to cross it next time, to stare it down until it changes to something else. It may be a suppressed memory I need to be aware of in order for healing to take place.
I came to the realization that the shaman’s icaros sounds frightening because they are meant for to help me face my fears. That is the only way I will truly have no fear and to become fearless. I was not in danger, I felt no pain. Next time I will stare into the river of sorrows, I will face my fears in order to realize I have nothing to fear. This after all is my journey to become “fearless”.
The following night I had a dream that I was meditating with a woman teacher, she was wearing a blue robe. I remembered during the meditation I opened my eyes and saw a blue crystal floating in front of me. I heard her voice say “this is yours” then I woke up. I now use this crystal as a visual tool when meditating. It has helped me to focus and to clean my aura and the auras of others during healing ceremony. I am so thankful for this spiritual gift of healing and I love to share it with others. A’ ho