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My Shamanic Medicine Journey with Ayahuasca. #3

To read my previous Quest Journals of my experiences, you can browse my profile at


I arrived on the sacred land around 8am. I saw that the facilitators were making space for the ceremony to take place outside.

I’m usually freezing during ceremony so I laid down my stuff in the warmest spot possible. Next to the fire pit where there was no shade make me colder than I already knew I would be.

A healer began to talk near the fire pit while everyone was finishing setting up their spots. She was talking about letting go of attachments. Letting go of religious dogmas and the thought of “going to hell”. Letting go of your “status” in life and to get out of your own way. Stop trying to control it and allow the experience to happen. She looked me directly in the eye and said so find a comfortable place to sit and let yourself “go”.

The smudging soon began and everybody was covered head to toe in Sage smoke. Moments after that all the participants took the first dose of medicine. I held the dose in my hand and I asked Aya to show me she was real, “please show me your face” I said inside my head. I then drank the dose, the taste was disgusting as ever but I did not feel nauseous.

This time I brought a back jack to help me to sit up during ceremony. I remained sitting up and I shook my rattle to the drumming and native chants being sung. I closed my eyes and I could start to see the fog of what I call “the veil”. I thought I was going to start seeing visions so I put on my “mindfold” (a blindfold which has space so your eyelids can remain open in total darkness) and I laid down. It’s also known as a “meditation mask”.

At first I saw some fractals which turned into crystallized stars. My attention then went to the sun which at the time had peeked over the trees. The sun rays felt very cozy and warm, which was nice for a change because like I said usually I’m freezing during ceremony. I felt myself drifting off to sleep.

In what I thought was a dream I saw a huge flower. It was magenta with a bright orange glow. There was no background accept the crystallized stars within a void. The flower then slowly morphed into a hawk totem.

The totem grew in size, it got bigger and bigger. I felt myself needing to purge so took my “mindfold” off and grabbed my bucket to vomit. Nothing came out. I felt very nauseous and I know I needed to purge but when I tried nothing would happen. It felt like the purge was locked in my chest. I hovered over the bucket and drank more water.

Eventually a healer kneeled down next to me. I told her “I’m trying to purge but nothing is happening.” She told me to remember the conversation we had earlier. She then asked me “what is your attachment?” I thought for a moment then I replied “I don’t know” She immediately walked away.

Now thinking back, the healer may have seen that somebody else needed immediate attention or something. I don’t know but during the ceremony everything feels like it’s revolving around me. So during the ceremony I thought I said the wrong answer.

Shortly after she left, I purged. It was a very small amount of vomit and nothing interesting was in the bucket afterward like previous journeys I’ve had. There was nothing black or crawling around. It just looked like average vomit. As usual I felt so much better and the nausea was fading. I laid back down and closed my eyes.

Almost immediately after my eyes closed, I saw a dark swirl appear before me. It was black like a shadow. The dark swirl turned into a figure which looked like a entity made of “black ink” laughing at me. I could not hear it but I could see its silhouette laughing at me as it was dancing.

My attention was then brought to its hand; it started to turn into the form of a gun. It danced the gun up to it’s head and nodded like it was telling me to do the same. I immediately opened my eyes.

The sun was directly over my head, it was as if a giant spot light was shining directly into my eyes. I envisioned myself in the emergency room and what I thought was the sun, had actually been a doctor shining a flashlight into my pupils, trying to wake me up out of a comma.

I immediately knew that was a path of fear I did not want to go down. I did not want to argue with myself what was real and what was not during the journey. That kind of thinking creates a thought loop which is one way that the “ego” tries to prevent the journey from happening. It tries to convince the participant that they are losing their mind.  I’ve entertained these thoughts before and the result was not pleasant.

My logical mind thought this because I was looking directly into the light and it did not hurt my eyes. If it was the sun, my eyes would have surely squinted as usual. At this point I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming. I stared directly into the sun and I could see it’s perfect roundness. It was a perfect circle.

As I continued starring at the sun, I noticed an eyeball forming at it’s center. Eventually the sun became one giant eyeball looking down on me. I told myself it was a hallucination and that the eyeball was not “real”. Soon my mind realized I was staring directly into the sun and I’m probably burning holes into my retina.

I closed my eyes and I saw the black ink was starting to form again. I was frightened from before so I opened my eyes and was met once again by the glaring eyeball sun. So I closed my eyes again. This went on for a while switching between realms. In this realm a giant eyeball looking down on me and in the other realm a “black ink entity” haunting me. Also the imagination “ego” mind was playing a game with me that I may actually be in a comma and that none of this is real.

My rational mind brought up the idea that I may be getting a severe sun burn because I’ve been out in the direct sun for hours (side note: I did not get a sun burn.) I got up and asked a volunteer I f I can be moved to the shade. Two volunteers helped me move to the shade and I laid back down.

I kept my eyes open and was staring at a big oak tree hovering over me. The leaves of the branches turned into animal faces. There were lions, apes, snails, bears, jaguars and many other faces of many different animals.

I then saw a shadow of something fly by out of the corner of my eye. I wasn’t sure what it was until it flew by again. I could see it was a hawk. It flew around the ceremony in a big circle. It was showing us the eyes under it’s wings. It was like it was reminding us that “Spirit” is watching us and we are all safe. It flew around the circle a few more times then it flew away.

I went back to looking at the faces in the trees and more faces appeared but this time they were more human looking. Not quite Homo sapiens but beings with human facial appearances. Some were half feline and half human. Some were apes wearing helmets. Some were men and women wearing hats made from plants and animal skins. I could only see them from the neck up.

As I was looking at the faces, I saw a shimmering wave reflect from the tree branches. When I focused my gaze upon the shimmering wave, I realized that they were spider webs. I looked around and saw that there were hundreds of spider webs hanging from the trees and that they had covered the ceremony circle and all it’s participants.

At first I got a little anxious because of my arachnophobia but I realized there were no spiders. “How can there be spider webs but no spiders?” I thought. Just then a flock of white butterflies flew by and I thought they were going to get caught in the spider webs but they didn’t. They flew around the circle for a bit then they fluttered away into the forest.

I then saw something dangling over my head I thought it may be a spider slowly crawling its way towards me. I was about to get up and move when I noticed that it was green and had no legs. I focused on it and realized it was a silkworm hanging from a thread of silk that was swinging gently with the subtle breeze. I noticed there were more and they were covering the ceremony circle with silk. It felt like they were blessing the circle, it was very pleasant.

After realizing there was no spider infestation, I went back to starring at the tree branches. This time I saw a very pretty woman’s face. I stared for a while then a healer approached me. She asked if the trees were communicating with me. I nodded and said “I can see faces”. She patted my shoulder then moved on.

Moments later the sun found me again. I did not want to ask to be moved to the shade again so I closed my eyes and let the sun beat down on me. I then saw a shadow of something fly by me. I opened my eyes and saw a flock of butterflies fluttering around the circle again. They fluttered up into a tree that was on the other side of the circle.

 I felt the desire to go sit under that tree so I asked a volunteer if I could. She helped me to walk to the tree and I sat against it’s trunk. The tree trunk felt warm and furry. I could feel it’s warm energy on my back. It almost felt like I was melting into the tree.

I looked at the thicket of bushes in front of me. I saw the pretty woman’s face again. This time it was larger and much more detailed. She had a slight smile and I could feel a loving energy. I’m not sure what this spirit was because it did not tell me but I felt like it was the spirit of Mother Nature, Aya the spirit of the plants the healers refer to her as Pancha Mama.

I was very grateful she showed me her face; I had asked her before the ceremony to do so. I admit it was not as overwhelming as I thought it would be but maybe that was the best way I could handle seeing her face at that moment. I was still getting in my own way during the ceremony and my own fear held me back. Maybe she was in the other realm waiting for me but my own fear prevented me from meeting with her there. Maybe she came to this realm to send me some love in a visual way that my mind could accept in this realm with my eyes open. Also by this time the main effects of medicine had worn off and people were already standing up and talking.

Image result for psychedelic butterfly

I felt something crawling near me. I looked down and saw that it was a furry black caterpillar. I looked around and saw that here were hundreds of them all over the ground.

It was interesting because during one ceremony I saw the silk worms hanging from above, the caterpillars crawling from below and the butterflies fluttering in between. It was like “spirit” was teaching me about metamorphosis through the tree of life. The big oak trees were representing the symbol of the “tree of life” of my Celtic and Germanic ancestors. The caterpillars at the tree’s roots, the silkworms in the leaves and the butterflies fluttering between. It was like the message was for me to accept my metamorphosis and become like the butterfly that can flutter to the lower, middle and upper realms.

The hawk also showed up in my journey both in this realm and the other realm. At this website it talks about the hawk totem.

Hawk continued. "Spirit wants nothing more than for you to take their messages and apply them to your life, grounding them. Some people just float around up there and hear them but don't do anything about it. Some others are so grounded that they can't hear a thing."

I feel that the silk worms represent the people who hear the messages but not do anything with them. The furry black caterpillars represent the people that are so grounded that they don’t hear a thing. The butterflies represent those that listen to “spirit” and applies it to their lives.

Be the butterfly! – A ho

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  • Ron thank you for another awesome entry. I shared this on reddit and some people were really surprised at your ability to recall this much detail. How do you feel you were able to do that? Do you have a pretty good memory in general?

    Much love brother. Thank you for sharing a glimpse into this sacred space. 

  • I don't know, I guess I do have a pretty good long term memory. My short term memory suffers though. I can remember movies, stories, books and so on but remembering an appointment or a math equation takes much more effort. Even with my dreams, If something happens that is interesting I will remember it, however remembering a conversation in a dream is really difficult for me.

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